It is now 5:26 AM, yet i am still awake, not doing a thing. I just turned off the TV but unable to sleep as i have so many thing flowing through my mind and i have no idea what to do. my life as of right now is nowhere near what I thought it'd be 5 years ago. to be honest 5 years ago i really couldnt see myself 5 years from then but when asked i always found something to say just to get out of the questioning. today i still cant see myself 5 years from now. for some reason the future is not clear to me, not that I am trying to be a psychic or a clairvoyant but most people I know have an idea or plan of where and how their life will be 3, 4, 5 years down the road. I am here, not working, not going to school, I wake up every day and do the same thing over and over again which is watch tv and sit around the house all day. Every day I keep saying that "I need to do something...." but that's all. I use to feel like I am walking on a treadmill when it comes to my life, just walking but not really going anywhere........but this time the treadmill has stopped and so have I. Life as it is for me right now is nothing but nothing. My girlfriend and I just broke up and that is having some type of effect on me, although at first I felt that I was ok and that all was good but my cancer (born in July) is trying to take over and get all sensitive on me but i will not let that happen. I had no emotions whatsoever when she said "Have a nice life!" and all i said was ok. So that was issue #1 on my mind I feel useless, sitting around the house all day doing nothing. I remember back home in FL I had a job and I was somewhat going to school. Ever since I moved up here in Atlantat, GA, I have not had a job. and quite frankly I dont think I have made the necessary efforts to find one either. Gradually I am realizing that I really suck at being whoever God wants me to be, I think I may have failed that life course. My mom and sister are worried about me because it is scary to be the way I am. My mom's blood pressure is through the roof and my sister is getting mad at me because i am the main source of my mom's sickness. I have been thinking maybe i need help, professional help. I wake up every morning, I read my devotional book and pray to God but I think I may be missing something. I lack self motivation and I am not sure how to get that. I dont think I really know how it feels to be motivated anymore. That feeling inside that drives you to do things to get certain results is missing. nothing fazes me. I STRAIGHT UP DONT CARE about anything. I know it sounds selfish because I am not thinking about my behavior and how it affects those around me. Now dont get me wrong, I dont do drugs, I dont steal or kill anyone, but the way I am................*sighs* I am stuck and I'm going to need God to help me some way, some how because I am lost. Somewhere between Jan 2000 to today I got lost, and I have no idea how to get back on track and move on with my life. SOMEBODY HELP ME. | 
